As Idol's 10th season begins tonight, the question undoubtedly on most people's minds is how in the world is the show going to survive without its venerable bad guy Simon Cowell?
But what I want to know is "why would it want to?"
If the first day of auditions is any indication of what this season holds for us, I'm worried. Very worried. I'm afraid the need for the judges (newcomers Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler along with veteran Randy "don't call me Tito" Jackson) to "play nice" and "get along," is going to stand in the way of reason when it comes to saying no to some of the more marginal talents. In fact, J-Lo confessed (less than 30 minutes in after a very tone-def Madonna impressionist nearly broke her heart)that she "doesn't like to say no" and isn't too fond of the judging process. Oh Lord help us.
But Jenny from the Block's bleeding heart pales in comparison to Steven Tyler's Paula-esque, over-the-top praise for mediocre performances.
And I don't know what to think of the extremely (and I am not a prude) inappropriate comments during the umm ample Tiffany's audition. I'd like to say she earned her ticket to Hollywood with her large vocals but I think there might have been a few other large things at play.
Of course it doesn't hurt to tear up talking about how the movie Selina inspired you to sing.
New drinking game: Take a shot every time someone says "I love you Jennifer!" You won't make it through the show before you pass out drunk.
If Lee and Crystal's awkward entrance at the beginning of the show is any indication of the production quality of the usually flawless star-studded finale -- I'm afraid. Very afraid.
I won't even waste time or space rehashing my disappointment at this season's lack of talent but I will say that I don't know how the judges can sleep at night after flooding Lee and Crystal with praise for such lackluster performances.
At this point, it doesn't matter who wins. The show and its duped viewers lose.
My friend Kim says I have to finish what I started, so I turned -- reluctantly -- to watch the final three (sans Michael Lynche) give six more lackluster performances to see which brand of mediocre America would purchase this year.
But that might be a little harsh. I think Randy put it better when describing Casey James' performance of It's Alright With Me. "Dude, funny thing about those lyrics. That song was just alright with me." Wow. I think William Shakespeare better watch his back with this poet around.
But seriously -- if the judges are not giving standing ovations and wiping tears of joy like proud parents on graduation day at this point in the competition (basically, the end), I think it's time for the producers to rethink their process. And I don't mean writing in some ridiculous Jump the Shark move like the night they saved Big Mike. While I was happy one of the few halfway talented contestants got to stick around an extra week, it unfortunately meant Idol had to stick around an extra week as well. No, I mean they are going to have to decide if they want to truly be a vehicle for discovering the next big pop star and concentrate on finding the best undiscovered talent? Or are they going to merely be a "reality show" with characters and scripted drama (a la Big Mike's baby's birth) that true talent avoids like the plague -- the Gong Show meets America's Next Top Model?
But besides the mind-blowing vocal chops of Kelly and Tamyra, Ruben and K-Lo, Carrie and Elliott, Fantasia and Latoya -- need I go on -- this season was lacking all the originality of previous seasons. Remember David Archuleta's infusion of Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girls into his performance of Ben E. King's Stand By Me? Or Fantasia's tear-jerker Summertime? Or the jaw-dropping and hip gyrating Katharine McPhee getting down and dirty with a drum for Black Horse and a Cherry Tree? I voted for her that night.
What, pray tell, was remotely original about Crystal Bowersox's choice and performance of Melissa Ethridge's Come to My Window. Seriously? That's what you bring to the Final Three? That's like a coach starting his third-string quarterback during the Super Bowl. We want to be wowed Crystal-- it's the least you could do for the people who endured these last 12 weeks.
But the worst of it is these clueless contestants' need to explain their song choices to us each week. As if we bought Lee DeWyze's vague explanation that "he likes to sing songs that mean something to him." So what does Simple Man mean to you Lee? "Because when I play it, I'm really happy playing it."
Here's a crazy idea -- how about choosing songs that you can sing -- and sing really well? How about choosing songs that highlight your vocal strengths rather than flaws.
The judges' performances haven't been any better. Simon, undoubtedly counting every second til he can escaped to his new show, has been in an almost comatose state this season. Kara is annoying at best and the producers' attempt to fill Paula's void fell flatter than Ellen's chest. Speaking of -- I have to TiVo her show every day to remind myself that she really is funny. In fact, she's hilarious. But I guess there are only so many ways to say "It was OK." Just not enough material. Who would've thought Randy "all I can say is dude and dawg" Jackson would be the life of this neverending party?
They may have redeemed themselves a wee bit tonight with their song choices for the final three. Note to producers: when it becomes apparent that the kids are unable to make their own song choices, let somebody else do it. (I would say that this is indicative of a generation that has had all their choices reduced to "click here." and "are you sure you want to navigate from this page?" but that's a whole other discussion, and this soap box is starting to buckle under my weight.)
So as we come to the close of the season (I think Randy's prophetic nod to Lee will prove true), I just have one thing left to say...
The Idol stylists must HATE Siobhan cuz that nest hair, crazy dress and short boots were a hot mess. And can somebody tell me how in the devil you get "Shavon" from S-I-O-B-H-A-N????
Looks like they made it... Look how far they've come my baby...
The fact that they liked Leigh's performance of Still the One makes me smile... He sounded exactly like I sound when I sing that song in the shower. Exactly. Maybe I should go for it and enter Electrolux' Mom Idol. lol
And if you're paying attention... yes, I AM a Shania fan. Yes, I DO have a one or three of her albums.
I wish they could do duets cuz I'd love to hear Crystal and Mike sing From This Moment a la Bryan Adams. Or a la 98 Degrees on Shania's Christmas special 10 years ago.
But Big Mike still made a good choice. And Ellen even compared him to Luther Vandross (R.I.P.) ... and Simon echoed the sentiment. Now personally, I think that's a bit of a stretch but we'll take it.
The judges have to get the banter under control. At 7:30, there were 4 out of 6 performances left. Sucks for unlucky #6. That poor guy (or gal) will barely have time for the voting number to flash across the screen.
I wanna wash Crystal's hair so bad.....I think the backup singers and band are outshining her a little bit. Maybe she should've had them a little further back on the stage. Simon was on point-it really did sound like a coffeehouse performance.
These 'new' Lane Bryant commercials are the opposite of sexy.
Without even watching the rest of this show, I predict either The Wyze or the screamer goes home tomorrow.
I was watching this episode of Chappelle's Show last night when a lightbulb went off .... wouldn't it be cool if Idol had a "Theme Songs from 70s Sitcoms" night?
Big Mike could channel his inner JJ Evans and sing the theme song of Good Times
Crystal Bowersox, who already has a Jan Brady on the Hawaii episode thing going on could strum her guitar and do a hip(pie) version of The Brady Bunch song.
Lee DeWyze could rock out the theme from Happy Days. Go Opie! Go Richie! Get busy!
We'll let Aaron Kelly just hum the tune from Sanford and Son. Dun dundunnun duh duh dunuh dunnunn ...
Casey James -- do I really have to say it, Mr. Kot-ttter?
And Siobhan, aka the Screamer, could belt out Edith Bunker's verses of the All in the Family theme song
