It all comes back to Idol

I woke up this morning – literally -- with a smile on my face. One might chalk it up to the Tylenol PM I took last night, which allowed me to have the first full night of sleep in about a month. BUT that wasn’t it. I woke up filled with excitement, and dare I say it, hope that today, by casting my vote in the Super Duper primary, I could be a part of history. So full of promise was this day that I didn’t even let my 6-year-old’s temper tantrum, the gray sky or packed parking lot at my polling place spoil my high. But that’s where this fairytale ended. Inside the polling place was chaos. You couldn’t read the post-it-note-sized signs taped to the registration table, so no one knew which line to stand in. Make it to the table, and the volunteers – for many of whom the “Golden Years” is a distant memory – are chatting it up about Beverly Anne’s funeral (it was real nice) and so-and-so’s granddaughter (not so nice). And to top it off – out of five voting machines, only one at a time was useable because “the machine operators didn’t show up.” And of course these are the only people who know how to “operate the machines.” So this is it? Our most basic American right – one people fought and died for – being run like the fried pie booth at a church bizarre!

That’s when it hit me … what if the people who produced American Idol “produced” the elections. Think about it. What is the election process but a bunch of audition/performances. The debates. The stump speeches. The Sunday morning talk shows. All that’s missing is some theme music and a cool logo.
And the media and political pundits – well, they’re already judge (and jury). Wouldn’t Ann Coulter make a great Paula? And after every performance (debate, whatever), America votes. Text VOTE1 for Barack Obama, VOTE2 for Hillary Clinton …


Can’t you see it … it’s the results show, and there’s a teary-eyed Rudy Giuliani standing there with Ryan Seacrest (yes. Ryan Seacrest). They’re looking at a montage of campaign clips as the house band plays Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day.” In the crowd, his loyal fans hold signs that read “Do Your Duty. Vote for Rudy.” and “Come on Rudy. Shake your Booty.” Ann Coulter’s crying, but no one is paying attention. The other candidates are pretending to be sad as they huddle around the fallen hopeful …

Folks – THAT’s democracy.