Finally! Finale. Finito.

If Lee and Crystal's awkward entrance at the beginning of the show is any indication of the production quality of the usually flawless star-studded finale -- I'm afraid. Very afraid.

I won't even waste time or space rehashing my disappointment at this season's lack of talent but I will say that I don't know how the judges can sleep at night after flooding Lee and Crystal with praise for such lackluster performances.

At this point, it doesn't matter who wins. The show and its duped viewers lose.

Are we there, yet?

My friend Kim says I have to finish what I started, so I turned -- reluctantly -- to watch the final three (sans Michael Lynche) give six more lackluster performances to see which brand of mediocre America would purchase this year.

But that might be a little harsh. I think Randy put it better when describing Casey James' performance of It's Alright With Me. "Dude, funny thing about those lyrics. That song was just alright with me." Wow. I think William Shakespeare better watch his back with this poet around.

But seriously -- if the judges are not giving standing ovations and wiping tears of joy like proud parents on graduation day at this point in the competition (basically, the end), I think it's time for the producers to rethink their process. And I don't mean writing in some ridiculous Jump the Shark move like the night they saved Big Mike. While I was happy one of the few halfway talented contestants got to stick around an extra week, it unfortunately meant Idol had to stick around an extra week as well. No, I mean they are going to have to decide if they want to truly be a vehicle for discovering the next big pop star and concentrate on finding the best undiscovered talent? Or are they going to merely be a "reality show" with characters and scripted drama (a la Big Mike's baby's birth) that true talent avoids like the plague -- the Gong Show meets America's Next Top Model?

But besides the mind-blowing vocal chops of Kelly and Tamyra, Ruben and K-Lo, Carrie and Elliott, Fantasia and Latoya -- need I go on -- this season was lacking all the originality of previous seasons. Remember David Archuleta's infusion of Sean Kingston's Beautiful Girls into his performance of Ben E. King's Stand By Me? Or Fantasia's tear-jerker Summertime? Or the jaw-dropping and hip gyrating Katharine McPhee getting down and dirty with a drum for Black Horse and a Cherry Tree? I voted for her that night.


What, pray tell, was remotely original about Crystal Bowersox's choice and performance of Melissa Ethridge's Come to My Window. Seriously? That's what you bring to the Final Three? That's like a coach starting his third-string quarterback during the Super Bowl. We want to be wowed Crystal-- it's the least you could do for the people who endured these last 12 weeks.

But the worst of it is these clueless contestants' need to explain their song choices to us each week. As if we bought Lee DeWyze's vague explanation that "he likes to sing songs that mean something to him." So what does Simple Man mean to you Lee? "Because when I play it, I'm really happy playing it."

Here's a crazy idea -- how about choosing songs that you can sing -- and sing really well? How about choosing songs that highlight your vocal strengths rather than flaws.

The judges' performances haven't been any better. Simon, undoubtedly counting every second til he can escaped to his new show, has been in an almost comatose state this season. Kara is annoying at best and the producers' attempt to fill Paula's void fell flatter than Ellen's chest. Speaking of -- I have to TiVo her show every day to remind myself that she really is funny. In fact, she's hilarious. But I guess there are only so many ways to say "It was OK." Just not enough material. Who would've thought Randy "all I can say is dude and dawg" Jackson would be the life of this neverending party?

They may have redeemed themselves a wee bit tonight with their song choices for the final three. Note to producers: when it becomes apparent that the kids are unable to make their own song choices, let somebody else do it. (I would say that this is indicative of a generation that has had all their choices reduced to "click here." and "are you sure you want to navigate from this page?" but that's a whole other discussion, and this soap box is starting to buckle under my weight.)

So as we come to the close of the season (I think Randy's prophetic nod to Lee will prove true), I just have one thing left to say...

Casey James does look like Bucky Covington

Enough!

Taking a break from Idol tonight. Watching the Office instead.


- I'm out

They were wrong for that

The Idol stylists must HATE Siobhan cuz that nest hair, crazy dress and short boots were a hot mess. And can somebody tell me how in the devil you get "Shavon" from S-I-O-B-H-A-N????


- I'm out

Still the ones...

Looks like they made it... Look how far they've come my baby...

The fact that they liked Leigh's performance of Still the One makes me smile... He sounded exactly like I sound when I sing that song in the shower. Exactly. Maybe I should go for it and enter Electrolux' Mom Idol. lol

And if you're paying attention... yes, I AM a Shania fan. Yes, I DO have a one or three of her albums.

I wish they could do duets cuz I'd love to hear Crystal and Mike sing From This Moment a la Bryan Adams. Or a la 98 Degrees on Shania's Christmas special 10 years ago.

But Big Mike still made a good choice. And Ellen even compared him to Luther Vandross (R.I.P.) ... and Simon echoed the sentiment. Now personally, I think that's a bit of a stretch but we'll take it.

The judges have to get the banter under control. At 7:30, there were 4 out of 6 performances left. Sucks for unlucky #6. That poor guy (or gal) will barely have time for the voting number to flash across the screen.

Casey's performance didn't suck. He's definitely getting better...

I wanna wash Crystal's hair so bad.....I think the backup singers and band are outshining her a little bit. Maybe she should've had them a little further back on the stage. Simon was on point-it really did sound like a coffeehouse performance.

These 'new' Lane Bryant commercials are the opposite of sexy.

Without even watching the rest of this show, I predict either The Wyze or the screamer goes home tomorrow.

- I'm out

What Idol needs are some "Good Times"

I was watching this episode of Chappelle's Show last night when a lightbulb went off .... wouldn't it be cool if Idol had a "Theme Songs from 70s Sitcoms" night?

Big Mike could channel his inner JJ Evans and sing the theme song of Good Times


Crystal Bowersox, who already has a Jan Brady on the Hawaii episode thing going on could strum her guitar and do a hip(pie) version of The Brady Bunch song.

Lee DeWyze could rock out the theme from Happy Days. Go Opie! Go Richie! Get busy!

We'll let Aaron Kelly just hum the tune from Sanford and Son. Dun dundunnun duh duh dunuh dunnunn ...

Casey James -- do I really have to say it, Mr. Kot-ttter?

And Siobhan, aka the Screamer, could belt out Edith Bunker's verses of the All in the Family theme song

Can WE Give it Back??

What's worse than Beatles night on American Idol? Idol Gives Back. We get to sit through an hour of tunes like Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" -- sung with passionless unoriginality by Casey "Don't Call Me Buckey" James.

I don't doubt that these songs were once inspiring to many, but now, most of them have been relegated to cheesy political campaigns. Remember this one ...



Speaking of uninspired -- I miss the days when Idol mentors really mentored -- really coached -- the contestants rather than stroke their fragile egos. Cheesy line of the season: "You are that boxer. You are that fighter."  Allicia Keys to Lee DeWyze



And when did Lee DeWyze become "brilliant?" Remember this?



Zac Efron -- I mean Tim Urban -- sang a song that could have been straight out of High School Musical 4. I think Zac Efron better watch his back.

Seriously, Aaron? "I Believe I Can Fly?" If you look up cliche in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Kels cheesin' holding this record. And then he butchers it. What did we, the loyal Idol viewing public, ever do to deserve this?  Stay tuned for R. Kelly's next hit "I Believe I Can Lie" from his upcoming album Jailhouse Rock.


Seriously judges? "I believe you CAN fly." "This performance was like a plane taking off ..." Seriously? What are we going to do without Simon's realism and frank if not apolitical correctness? He's absolutely right -- this kid is not even radio-worthy. And we all know how little talent you have to have to be on the radio.



Seriously? OMG, ODB, ASP .... just list the whole damn alphabet. What I can't BELIEVE is how big this chick's ego must be to think she can take on not one but TWO dynamic divas in the same song. And the butterflies on the arm -- was that supposed to be an homage to my dear Mariah? How tacky. And THEN she says the meaning of the song is "why she's here." So .... being on American Idol is the equivalent of Exodus? Yeah -- I get that connection.


And is it just me or are Ellen and Kara smoking that Whitney Houston crack? They seem to be falling over each other to give the biggest compliment to the least deserving performance. Reminds me of when Whitney Houston crowned Bobby Brown "the Original King of R&B" at an awards show. It was so ridiculous, people almost missed it.


Was it a requirement this year that contestants had to know how to play an instrument? Isn't their voice their instrument? Isn't this still a singing competition?



My prediction -- it's about that time for Big Mike to go ...  He doesn't have Ruben's "velvet teddybear" appeal. He's too good to get a pity vote. He doesn't have great hair or boyish good looks. And 13-year-old girls don't daydream about him. And the people who might have voted for him have stopped watching.


Crystal Bowersox takes it all -- unless she gets sick again. (Check your sugar, girl. And take your medicine.) OR cry at the end of another song... What was that about??



Oh well, amateur hour is over. Time for some serious singing. Madonna is on Glee! Woohoo! Show 'em how it's done Madge!

Easter Wednesday

The judges played Idol gods and raised Mike up from the dead tonight. But as much as I like Mike, I think keeping him around (only to be voted off next week) is a really lame attempt to save a really lame season-- that they (and the producers) created. You can't blame this on the a-aaa-ca-hol OR the voters.

In an era of tea partiers and
'you lie,' surely no one expects America to use reason or good judgement in casting its votes.

All I can say is thank God Glee is back next week so we can hear some real talent on Tuesday night.


- I'm out

Slam!

Duuh duh duh duuh duh duh... Let the boys be boys!

Whose idea was it to let the contestants "share" info about each other? Like do you think little Aaron wanted the world to know about his fascination with Yoda? Not, I think.

And isn't it a little early in the season for Beatles night? But I guess producers had to pull out the big guns to save this season. You can't really fudge Let It Be. ... unless you're Kara trying to impress Simon.

The Jennifer-Latoya-Fantasia curse

Remember Season 3 when it was down to 6 contestants and Ryan divided them into two groups- the top 3 and the bottom 3. Remember how 'shocked' everyone was that the best singers Latoya London, Jennifer Hudson and Fantasia B. ended up being the bottom group... They were TOO good. America likes to root for the underdog and the unexpected.

I fear (judging by the unofficial AI facebook fan page poll) that the same fate is waiting for Mike Lynche.

Blow my Bowersox off...

Big Mike might have some competition. Can't wait to see the real GK in concert this summer!


- I'm out

'American Idol' Power List: We're down to 10! Who's your favorite? | EW.com

'American Idol' Power List: We're down to 10! Who's your favorite? | EW.com

Dig 'em Good

OK, Got my cereal. I'm back ... and maybe it's the sugary goodness of the Smacks but I'm not hating DiDi's performance of "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted." The judges hated it, but then they didn't have any Honey Smacks.

What becomes of the broken hearted? Apparently, you go on Idol and have Ryan embarrass you in front of a couple million people.

OK, as someone who was fortunate enough to see Anita Baker perform that song live, I am insulted (on behalf of Anita) by Tim Urban's half-assed and half-hearted, would-make-Barry-Manilow-mad-attempt to sing "Sweet Love." Shame on him. Shame.

Didn't I say no songs by people involved in domestic abuse scandals. Andrew makes Chris Brown's "Forever" sound like a Doublemint gum commercial. Actually there are far better Doublemint gum commercials....

Oh lord, this little girl is gonna try to sing Aretha. I gotta go.

Peace Out Idol watchers!

These are my confessions ....

I am soooo sorry y'all! I forgot to include in my list of "don't" -- anyone who has ever worked with Prince, Jimmy Jam or Terry Lewis, LaFace or R. Kelly. That would've taken care of that Chaka Khan debacle.

If you're interested in hearing how that song SHOULD sound (brings back fond memories of middle school), take a listen ...



... maybe she should have done Kanye's "Through the Wire".



I HEART Big Mike's take on India Arie's "Ready for Love"

I think I'm ready for love my darn self ....

The show can basically end now. Mike is the only one of those kids with any talent at all. I've had my Usher fix. I can eat my Honey Smacks and go to bed ...

Daddy's Home

So Usher is the guest mentor for this week's Idol and the theme is R&B. While I admit to getting excited at the mere mention of Atlanta's prodigal son, I have to say I'm a little more than nervous about this year's crap (I mean crop) of talent taking on the institution that is rhythm and blues. Here is the list of songs from which the hopefuls can choose. Let's hope they choose wisely.

Some advice -- no songs from anyone who goes by first name only. No Whitney. No Mariah. No Luther (aka Lootha). No Babyface. No Brandy. No Monica. And sadly -- no Usher.

And then again, they probably shouldn't tackle any groups or duets, so there goes Boyz II Men and any song from the 60s.

And no songs by anyone blind or otherwise disabled, so lets delete Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder and Teddy Pendergrass.

No songs by anyone ever involved in a domestic abuse scandal. Say goodbye to songs by Tina Turner, Chris Brown, Bobby Brown, Rihanna, Al Green and TLC (You don't remember Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes literally burning down her boyfriend Andre Risen's house?)

That leaves about 8 songs .... Surely they can get at least ONE of them right.

  

Is it Disney Night on Idol?

Paige Gets an Earful from Randy

... Baby You're the Worst.... Baby You're the Worst ...The Worst I Ever Heard









True ... Paige sounded like two cats fighting in a paper bag, but Randy calling her out for being the worst was just cold blooded, dog. Cold. Blooded.

Wake Me Up When They Go-Go

These kids have obviously never danced around their bedrooms with Wham! blasting from the tape deck of their ghettoblaster (aka boombox for the politically correct). This song is synonymous with dance and they took all the jitter out of that jitterbug.

Have they not watched the video??? Did they not see George Michael dancing around the stage in multicolored booty shorts???  This is a song that calls you to channel your inner goofball. Instead, they did a 187 on our joy.

Maybe this can revive the joy a little ...

It's Miley Night! (Be afraid. Very afraid.)

Tonight, Disney ATM and Ryan Seacrest bestie Miley Cyrus mentored the group of Disney ATM and Ryan BFF wannabes. I'm suppressing a giggle. Here's how it went down...

Hey Lee -- Fonzie called. He wants his hair back.

Dude, just cuz you chose a song from the 60s doesn't mean your hair and wardrobe must follow ... (sidenote: uh, what's up with Simon calling Kara "missy"???)

Paige needs a Tyra makeover BADLY! That weave is wickety wickety wack!
"Against All Odds" is such a prophetic choice for Miss Thang. Cuz if she survives tonight it really will be against all odds.
Randy: That was honestly terrible. Honestly. Terrible.
Ellen: I'll start with a positive. You didn't fall down. [wow!]
Kara: whah whah waaah whah waaa whah wah

Miley to Tim: Let me give you a hug. I don't think you're boring at all.
What's worse than a 17-year-old giving you a back-handed compliment -- taking it as a REAL compliment!
Hey Tim -- Zac Efron wants his hair ... and clothes ... and smirk ... hey, wait a minute....

Aerosmith -- finally something from the last decade -- oh wait. That was (counting fingers). I'm old. And this kid Aaron is a baby. Was he even born when this song topped the charts? He's what -- 12?
Liner note: "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" was originally written for Celine Dion -- MY American Idol.

I love that Cristal Bowersox had Miley sign her guitar, noting it "was one more notch." (shifting uncomfortably as I type this) I guess we know who'll be front row center at Lilith Fair ...
Ellen to Cristal: I was driving down the road the other day and that song came on the radio and I thought of you... (Was it really the "song" Ellen?)
Ok -- someone is going to ask. Might as well be me. Is there any symbolism's to homegirl's "magic carpet?"




TOP: Mike Lynche when he talks ...
BOTTOM: Big Mike when he sings ...

                                                          

Andrew's rendition of MG's "Heard It Through the Great Vine" was sour grapes.


As Simon so aptly put it: He sucked the soul out of that song.

I've got to give Katie props just for singing something current --something the audience can sing along to. Say what you want to Fergie and how she held the "For Sale" sign that made the Black Eyed Peas sell out ... but "Big Girls Don't Cry" has a helluva hook.

However, I'm a big girl ... and Katie's singing made me cry...



Y'all think I could pass for 24 ... with this year's crop of talent. I could soooo audition for Idol ...

I don't trust a man whose hair looks better than mine. But I REALLY don't trust a Billy Ray Cyrus fan. But I have to say Casey took me waaaaay back to the future with his "Power of Love." It really was a relief because for a minute I was afraid he was going to sing Celine Dion's "Power of Love."

Gotta root for Hometeam ... DiDi is from Knoxville (home of the 1982 World's Fair)
Miley was throwing a little hate her way when DiDi said she didn't get nervous. The 17-year-old was like "everybody gets nervous" (insert rolled eyes here)

Apparently (insert rolling eyes here), the judges have never been to Knoxvegas cuz they gave my girl no love.

Simon: There is some irony to you shouting out "you're no good. You're no good. You're no good. You're no good." Ouch!

Sidenote: This is just WRONG

Last but not least ... Siobhan channels Stevie ... and a little Sanjaya. Good thing she's not "superstitious"














My prediction: bottom three will be Andrew, Paige and Tim (although Tim's got that teenthrob thing going on) But Paige is definitely going home. She's sick anyway ... and she needs to her get wig shook. It's time....

And the winner is ....

We'll look back and say "THIS" was the song that put Michael Lynche in the winner's circle.

Thank God Glee is back this week

The problem is these kids are just really young. Katie Stevens sang Kelly Clarkson but she was only 8 when Kelly won 'the Idol.'

I think Kara just prophesied the show's downfall and ultimate demise when she called contestant Siobhan a 'character.' I guess they're not even pretending that the show is about discovering hidden talent anymore.

Is it a compliment when Randy says 'it was a boring song but your best performance to date' and this is like week a trillion...

And why are all these young girls trying to be Indigo Girls... This is the most boring Idol season ever!
- I'm out

Idol Recycled

Talent pool is so shallow, Idol has taken to recycling contestants ...

Bucky Covington

Casey James

Jordin Sparks

Michelle Delamor

What did Sam Cooke ever do to this girl?

And why is she murdering his song. This song has meaning this little girl couldn't begin to understand and she's singing it like it's some Radio Disney tune.

And Randy's Black card is officially revoked for saying this was his favorite performance. Somewhere Sam is rolling over in his grave ... this is not the integration they marched for.

Randy compared her to Bjork and that's exactly right -- but I doubt Bjork would have had the cajones to sing THAT song THAT way. These people are killing me!

Egads!

No one to blame but themselves

This season's disappointing run has only four people to blame -- Randy, Ellen, Kara and Simon. WHO were THEY listening to three weeks ago? For the first time, I can't pick a top 10 because I don't think there are 10 contestants worthy of going further in the competition. I know this is the most painful part of the process because they're still getting their bearings, but this time it seems different. Maybe because you have one judge whose sole job is to flirt and be cute. Another judge on his way out so he could care less. And a third judge who is there purely for comic relief. (not to make light of this -- Ellen is the only reason I'm watching this season) So that leaves Randy to hold it down.

Hold it down, dog. Hold it down.

Seriously, every two seasons or so, we have a dud. Taylor what's his name and then last year's Kris Allen. So we're due for another Kelly Fantasia Jordan Archuletta.

Unfortunately, these kids don't even come close -- as I listen to DiDi sing a version of Lean On Me that literally has Maimee leaning on me. That performance put us to sleep! Geez!

By the way, this is how you switchup this song.

Say what now??!!

iPhone blogger app not cool: answered the phone and lost my draft! Egads! Will try to re-create it now...

Two words. Idol-ized. Keepin eyes. On prize.

Show starts. Ball curves. Boys ready? Swallow nerves.

Ellen rambles. Ryan scrambles. Producers gamble.

Big Mike. Sounds tight. James Brown. Shut down.

John Mayer? Oh no. Vote tonight? Going home.

Bucky hair. Bucky clothes. Bucky talent? Hell nah!

Ellen talks. Nothing said. Kara flirts. Simon's red.

Alex Lambert. Channels soul. Legend dying. Verdict... Whoa! Judges crazy. Outlook hazy. Season's best? Hot mess.

Ego trippin. Hard-headed. Bags packed? Get'em ready.

Jermaine Jermaine. Listen up! FINAL ten. Switchit up. Right now. Shut up!

Bye Jermaine. Seeya later. Try being. More gracious.

B-boy. Pseudo soul. Indie rock. Makeit stop! Andy G. Killing me.

Two hours. Dragging on. Three days. Too long.

Opie Taylor. Looks hot. David Archuletta. He's not.

Simon leaving. Understand why. Weakass singers. Wanna cry.

Two Words

Kanye West has a song with Mos Def and Freeway called Two Words... During the song, they only use two words at a time to complete each verse. Example: South side. World wide. We try. Still die.
Now I'm no lyrical genius like Ye and Mos Def but in an effort to get through what will undoubtedly be a painful second round of bad Alanis impressions, I'm going to give this two-word thingy a try. Here goes...

There's an App for that

So excited. Downloaded an app that let's this lazy blogger post from her phone. If this can't keep me on track, I don't know what will. Looking forward to ditching more dead weight on Tuesday's show....

Top 24 Revealed

Alleged 'American Idol' semifinalist Michael Lynch disqualified

Michael Lynch may be paying a hefty price for his proud papa confirming he's an American Idol Top 24 ninth-season semifinalist.

The St. Petersburg native -- who went by the moniker "Big Mike" during the American Idol audition process -- appears to have been disqualified from Idol's ninth season, the anonymous online spoiler known as Joesplace reported Friday.

Read the rest of the story here

I'm Baaaaaack!

First, I must apologize for my absence. I was on a self-imposed hiatus in protest of that stupid new girl judge Kara-whats-her-name. My allegiance lies completely with Paula. Drinking problem and all.

While I'm sad Paula's gone, I couldn't be happier to have Ellen join Randy, Simon and that stupid new girl judge behind the table this season. Tonight is Final 24 night -- when the real competition begins -- and so far, I am psyched about this year's talent pool.
The song of choice seems to be Jason Mraz' "I'm Yours"

This is the toughest part of the whole contest -- as Ryan says, "with lives hanging in the balance" Take poor Big Mike Lynch with the newborn baby. UnrealityTV had him cut from the final 24 weeks before the first casting episodes aired.

And the poor girl who sung that Taylor Swift song -- WORSE than Taylor Swift.

So which will it be...